Hi, can I have a PP please? Can I have some advice please? Sex has been an iss…

Hi, can I have a PP please?

Can I have some advice please?
Sex has been an issue in my relationship for a while now. My partner says its lack of affection on my side doesn’t give him the signals that I’m interested.
We have 4 kids, one is a toddler, I also work…I try to make time for him as much as I can and we normally cuddle in the evening when the kids are in bed.
We had a big things about a year ago when sex depleted and I foolishly looked through his IG following, there were quite a few soft porn/OF type women. I told him this made me uncomfortable, I then asked him to delete them and he said I’m being silly, he loves me etc. I then went to him crying, almost begging because my confidence and self-esteem was low since putting weight on after our youngest. He eventually deleted them, but also hid his TikTok following (I think his FB etc are hidden too but I consciously don’t look anymore as I’m worried it’ll upset me)
Since then I’ve always had it in my head he prefers to masturbate then have sex with me as we go 4-6weeks with nothing sexual even though he knows I have a high sex drive and would be game…whenever pretty much.

He works from home most days, I popped home in my lunch the other day, called out to him then see he was in bed asleep so left him, I must have he came down a few minutes later saying I woke him when I went downstairs and put kettle on.
As I went to leave I went to look for my cardigan, as I looked down his side of the bed I touched a wet tissue(with the obvious bodily fluid) I came down, told him he’s disgusting leaving that there and left for work.

That evening we spoke, he basically said he didn’t feel bad about it and he didn’t have time to get rid of the tissue because he heard me and just chucked it off his bedside table but normally he gets rid of it. He said sometimes he’s just scrolling and something pops up on twitter that turns him on but that was the first time in 6weeks, but I didn’t understand if that’s the truth then why didn’t he wait as I’d mentioned the evening before how we needed to spend some time as it had been 6 weeks!
The thought of him having an orgasm while imagining being with another woman/watching porn (which he said is what turns him on about porn back when this was first an issue) puts me off so much and is really getting me down.

I told him I wanted some time to myself (partly because I’ve always said to him that it doesn’t bother me as long as he’s not masturbating more than were intimate, he claims he goes weeks/months without which I’ve never believed)
I think the lie hurt me more as I’m not naive.

It’s really getting me down.
I’ve been to the Drs to go back on anti-depressants but I feel so messed up and not like me and it hurts.

I know logically it’s normal for guys to do but it pops into my mind if he goes to have a shower, when he stay in bed and I get up with the babe, when I leave for work, when he goes to nap in the day…I’ve told him this and he just says he doesn’t do it…yet I now think different 😕

I never used to feel like this and feel so awful about myself, I feel so unattractive. I’m so sick of having these thoughts and it causing stupid arguments in a 3.5yr relationship.
I hate myself when I have the thoughts because it’s not like me. I literally feel like a psycho! I miss the laid back and realistic me!

Any advice on how to stop these obsessive/intrusive thoughts?


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