Who Picks Up the Bill When Parents Dine with Their Grown Children?

If you’re the parent of a young kid, questions like these probably seem a million miles away. But as a parent of a kid who just turned 18—a kid who was a tiny infant literally five minutes ago—I’m here to tell you that these questions will be on your mind before you know it. I swear I was just mopping up this kid’s spit-up, and now she’s opening up her first bank account and planning her first Airbnb weekend getaway with friends.

Recently, Parents made an Instagram post about who should pick up the tab when dining out with adult children, and the responses were surprisingly mixed. We thought it was worth taking a deeper dive into the topic.

What Parents and Adult Children Have to Say

Plenty of parents were quick to chime on our Instagram post. While some had strong opinions—either insisting that parents should always pay or saying that adult kids should foot the bill as soon as they can—most people landed somewhere in the middle.

One parent shared, “We trade usually! I love treating my parents—they literally funded my life—it’s the least I can do!”

Another weighed in with a more balanced perspective, “It should be balanced if both parties can afford it. If only one can, the person who can should take it.”

Others expressed how much they enjoy treating their parents when they’re able, “I think it’s a nice gesture, I love treating my parents when I have the chance.”

But not everyone felt that way. Some had some pretty strong opinions about adult kids paying the bill like one user who commented that any adult who has the ability to pay for their parents should do so. “Adult children should not feel entitled that parents should pay all the time,” they explain, adding that if you’re an adult who earns your own money, you should act like an adult and cover your own meal.

Julie Stampler, a voice-over artist in NYC and mom to three young adults (ages 18, 22, and 25) told Parents that paying for her kids’ meals is second nature, and that she can’t imagine doing it any other way.

“I typically pay when we go out to eat, partly because they’re my kids and I have been providing for them since they were born,” she says. “Would it be a lovely gesture to have them take me out for a meal? Sure! And I suspect when they are fully launched that will in fact happen, though we will probably argue over who pays, unless it’s my birthday.”

What Factors Influence Who Pays

Personally, I’m right there on the same page as Stampler. I can’t imagine not paying for my two kids’ meals, including the one who recently turned 18. But I also know from experience that life is long and things change. 

For example, I’ve started paying for my elderly mom’s meals more often because she’s recently had some medical issues and has been low on money. Twenty years ago, I never would have thought that I’d be regularly buying my mom dinner, but here we are—and I’m grateful I’m able to do it.

This goes to show that whether or not you or your parents pick up the tab when you’re fully grown is very situational by nature.

 “If the child’s still financially finding their footing—say, in school, between jobs, or new to their career—parents covering the meal feels natural,” says Zohaib Sunesara, parenting coach and co-founder of Cuddle Pixie. But once the kid is financially stable? “That’s a sweet spot for the kid to step up,” Sunesara adds.

But it’s also about culture and family beliefs. “In some families, parents happily foot the bill forever because ‘that’s just what we do,’” Sunesara explains. “Others expect grown kids to pitch in once they’re earning. Neither’s wrong—it’s all about what feels right for your family’s vibe.”

 As Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, an anxiety, trauma, and attachment therapist based in Los Angeles points out, who pays isn’t just about money. It’s about roles, expectations, and unspoken family dynamics. “Some parents keep paying because they genuinely want to and see it as a way to care for their child, regardless of age,” she says. “Others pay out of habit or because it reinforces their role as the provider.”

Communication is Key

The bottom line is that there isn’t one “right” way to handle this—it’s all about what works for your family. “The real issue is whether paying (or not paying) feels good in the relationship or if it’s stirring up guilt, obligation, or resentment,” Groskopf shares. If there’s tension in the family over this issue, it becomes less about the money and more about what it represents to everyone involved.

That’s why it’s important to be as open and honest about these kinds of conversations. Sure, no one likes to talk about money, but ignoring it can quickly drive a wedge into an adult/parent relationship. Addressing it directly can have real benefits.

 “The best way to handle it is to bring it up before the bill even comes,” Groskopf advises. Instead of trying to guess what the other person expects, she suggests you say something like, “Hey, I’d love to treat you today, and want to make sure we’re on the same page about this moving forward.” Doing this keeps things out in the open and avoids turning the issue into a silent test of who offers first.

And if there continues to be tension? That’s an opportunity to do some soul-searching about the relationship itself. “If there’s tension, it’s probably not really about the money—it’s about what paying (or not paying) represents,” says Groskopf. “The bigger issue isn’t the bill itself—it’s making sure both people feel good about the dynamic…and that money isn’t being used to create guilt or imbalance.”