Lilie James parents’ heartbreaking statement

As a parent, it is hard to imagine the utter devastation of losing your child to murder.

Yet for Peta and Jamie James, this was their reality on discovering their beautiful 21-year-old daughter Lilie James was killed by a colleague Paul Thijssen in October 2023.

Thijssen and James had been in a short relationship that ended just days before he brutally murdered her in the bathroom of the prestigious Sydney school where they both worked.

At a coronial inquest into the murder this week, Lilie’s parents took to the stand to share a statement.

“If we are not teaching boys how to accept and value a woman’s opinions and choices and accept rejection, we may be setting them up for failure,” they began.

“Or, in our case, a moment of time we will never recover from.

“That night will stay with us forever.

“It was absolutely devastating. We have lost a wonderful daughter that we are so proud of.

“To Lilie, we can promise you one thing: we will forever love you and never forget you.”

The pain of her family is searing and unimaginable.

Yet their words about what happens if we don’t teach boys to “accept and value a woman’s opinions and choices” serve as a stark reminder.

Warning us all that a man’s lack of respect for a woman’s decisions and opinion could eventually lead to violence. Reminding us parents – and the wider community engaged in raising the next generation – that we must not be complacent.

As a mum of two boys myself, this really hit home.

I feel more worried than ever about raising good men at a time where according to statistics by Our Watch, Australia’s leader in the primary prevention of violence against women, one woman is killed every nine days by a current or former partner.

The Our Watch stats also reveal that one in three women has experienced physical violence by the age of 15, and that men aged 18 – 30 who identify with rigid stereotypes of masculinity – are 17 times more likely to say they have hit a partner.

This week while stewing on these facts I decided to watch the Netflix smash hit Adolescence with my husband and 14-year-old son.

It centres on 13-year-old boy Jamie Miller who is arrested for the murder of his female classmate Katie.

The show explores violence against women and the online world of incels and Andrew Tate while also seeing the horror unfold through the eyes of Jamie’s parents as they confront the behaviour of their only son.

While it made for challenging “family watching”, it has enabled us to have some really deep conversations around our worries as parents, and my son’s reality as a teenage boy growing up with so many influences that we did not have back in the 90s.

It was not easy viewing, nor did it generate easy discussions, but it felt important to be able to discuss the big themes of misogyny and masculinity – both toxic and healthy versions – with our son.

I would encourage other parents to do the same: keep talking and keep listening.

We owe it to our boys to help them grow to be good men who understand and accept women’s opinions and choices.

We owe it to our girls so they can grow up feeling respected and safe.

Most importantly of all we owe it to the James’ family and so many just like them who have lost their loved ones in such horrific ways.

If you are seeking support, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14 and the national family violence counselling service is on 1800 737 732.

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