Can I post anon please
I have four children and my husbands parents have to do everything with us. Ever since we had our I had our first 12 years ago. I have always felt like they will never let us have our own family time. I said nothing and just going along with what they wanted for 11years but last year while pregnant on my fourth I kept feeling this is going to be my last baby and I don’t want them in my life as much. It got to the point I felt like I couldn’t breath I had to see them 5 days out of a 7day week every week. They would go on holidays with us. It was just never ending. So I had it out with them and said we want our own family to which they went out to my mams house and told My Mam I was a bully,yet told my mam not to tell my husband or me and asked my mam to send pictures of our new born son as I wanted space from them and had only brought him in to meet him once. Can I add in here(my a husband asked them that we would like our family to bond and get use to having a little baby (the older kids get use to having a baby around and not to have them call down for the 1st week after having him to which my father in law said to my husband but that’s not fair to your mother) they have always really dismissed me as a person and to be honest I just don’t care anymore. These people have text my other family members trying to get them to try paint me in a bad light. Am I in the wrong to want space or even not see my parents in law ever again.
Source
The issue here is that your husband has allowed them so much access to your lives.
How do they always know what you are doing to be able to insert themselves and join in?
How do they know where you’re going on holiday and what dates and what hotel to be able to book themselves along?
They’ve got used to always being part of things (rightly or wrongly) because boundaries have never been enforced over the last 12 years. So now it’s a shock to them because I’m guessing the way they see it, this has come out of the blue.
You can advocate for yourself and not tell them what your plans are for the week. You can thank them for the offer of spending time together but say you’re busy with other plans or need a rest day.
They should have the self awareness to realise they are outstaying their welcome or crossing the line, but with people who don’t and aren’t told and it continues for such a long time, it becomes normal to them. Perhaps they assume you’d say something if you didn’t want them around so often.
Assuming you’ve not stayed quiet for 12 years to your husband about your feelings, it was down to him to tell his parents to back off
It’s lovely they want to be so hands on but I get why it’s suffocating. I also hate the fact people don’t respect boundaries when a newborn comes along! I get people are dying to see the baby but what a mother has to go through to get the baby here is exhausting and also when older siblings are involved, everyone in the house needs rest and to bond 1st. She sounds controlling as hell and clearly rules her husband too for what he’s said “not fair on your mum” An adult, calm conversation needs to be had and to meet in the middle. What does your husband say about it, maybe opening him up and asking if he’s ever felt under his mums thumb might make things clearer for you and will also make you feel like you have support from him to stand up to her xx congrats btw 🥰
I think you’re lucky to have in laws that are so involved. That said, you do need your own time. I think the problem here is that you “had it out with her”. She probably felt attacked by you and that in came out of nowhere. Calm down, and have a calm conversation with her. Tell her you know she loves the grandkids but that you need time to yourselves too. Maybe they can visit a couple of times a week instead? Please don’t cut them off though. Kids love their grandparents and it’s extra people loving your kids which is always good.