Could i do a post please, anon
I really need some honest advice from other mums because I genuinely feel like I’m at breaking point and I don’t know what is normal anymore.
I have five children and for the last two years I feel like I have carried our whole life while my partner has concentrated on building his business.
I have paid for everything — rent, council tax, food shops, clothes, bills, basically the running costs of our entire home. I have supported him while he worked ridiculous hours, looked after the children, cooked every day, cleaned and managed everything that comes with running a family.
He has worked from around 4am until 8pm throughout the week, and for the last six months has started working weekends too. I never begrudged him working because I genuinely believed we were building a future together.
But apparently I’ve “done nothing”.
He expects the house to be perfect. If something isn’t done, I’m lazy. I’ve been called a c**t, called toxic, told my family are rubbish, told I need help and made to feel like I’m the problem constantly.
And honestly, the way he speaks to me and treats me has made me feel like he genuinely believes I’m a nobody. Like because I’m a mum who has been at home looking after five children, what I do has no value compared to what he does.
I’ve asked for a break. I’ve said I’m exhausted. I’ve said I need some time for myself because I literally haven’t had five minutes to myself in years. Somehow needing a break gets turned into me being lazy.
And this isn’t the first time he’s left.
He’s walked out before, given me the silent treatment, gone and then come back several times. He’s started court proceedings regarding our son and then cancelled them before the first hearing and returned.
It feels like whenever I don’t do what he wants or I stand up for myself, he leaves or threatens something. Then when I eventually give in, he comes back.
It honestly feels like a massive game where I’m constantly walking on eggshells thinking:
“If I don’t do what he wants, is he going to leave me again?”
He told me from the beginning that my children were “my problem”. I understand that he isn’t biologically the father of my other children and that ultimately they are my responsibility.
But he chose to live with me and them for two years. He became part of our family. He paid nothing towards the household while I continued paying the bills, cooking, cleaning and caring for everyone. We also have a child together.
He built a relationship with my daughter, but never really did the same with my older boys.
Then last Saturday, I was genuinely ill with an infection in the bone on my skull and couldn’t make dinner. He was home, but instead of helping me, he called me lazy, called me a rubbish mum and said a lot more hurtful things. He packed his bag, said “I’m done” and went back to his mum’s.
Since leaving, he hasn’t bothered with my daughter, which has really hurt her.
But now he’s demanding specific days with our son.
He’s also messaged me saying:
“Instead of moaning about our son, give him to me full time.”
That message has really affected me because it feels like he’s completely disregarding the fact that I’ve been the one caring for our son every single day since he was born.
I’m struggling with that because for the last two years, when he was working 4am–8pm, he didn’t spend much time with our son. I am not saying he shouldn’t see his child — of course he should. But it feels incredibly confusing that suddenly there are demands for specific days and even talk of having him full time, when I spent the last two years begging him to spend more time with his son and with us as a family.
Financially, I’m struggling to understand it too.
He has his own house which he rents out and receives rental income from. His business has grown significantly over the last year and, from what I understand, is now bringing in roughly £4,000 a week. Our son is only one, so for two years he has also had the benefit of me providing the childcare while he has been able to put all those hours into growing his business.
I’m not saying he owes me money for looking after his child. That’s not what I’m trying to say.
I’m saying that I feel like I have made it possible for him to build the life and business he has now, while my own life has revolved around the children, the house and supporting him.
And now it feels like he can walk away, continue with his business and his life, while I am left exactly where I was — five children, the same bills, the same childcare and no time for myself.
I know I’m not perfect. I have five children and I’m exhausted. I’m sure I’ve made mistakes and I will happily take responsibility for the things I’ve done wrong.
But I am struggling to accept being told I’ve done nothing after financially supporting us for two years, supporting his business, raising the children, providing childcare and keeping our home and family going.
I don’t want people just telling me “leave him” or “he’s awful”. I genuinely need honest advice.
Has anyone else been in a relationship where leaving, coming back, silent treatment, threats of court and making you feel like everything is your fault became a cycle?
How do you actually break that cycle when you have children together?
And honestly, I don’t even know whether I’m looking for advice about getting him back anymore.
I think I’m trying to understand how I got to a point where I’ve completely lost myself trying to keep everyone else happy.
I am exhausted. I am hurt. I feel like I’ve been made to believe I’m a nobody when I’ve spent years giving everything I have to my family. And I genuinely don’t think I can keep living like this.
Source
I’m not surprised.. you’re absolutely frazzled, exhausted & taken for Granted..
You have no quality time I’d be giving him a few home truths..
He’s no respect for you..,
He won’t want the baby full-time, he’s trying to hurt you.
Start separation proceedings and claim maintenance. Know your own worth!!
Everything you describe about him sounds as though, you don’t need him back,
What’s he bringing to the table, what weight in the relationship or family dynamics is he lifting from your shoulders, absolutely none, just sounds like another child that you had to take care of, personally I’d see it as a blessing, yes you love him but your clearly not happy,
Iv been here with the constant walking on egg shells the silent treatment just so your aware also forms of emotional abuse, don’t let your daughter think this type of relationship is normal, otherwise she will grow up thinking this is what love is, he don’t even sound like he’s giving the bare minimum, honestly let him be gone start focusing on you and the kids sometimes it’s less stress and the parenting and that all seems to feel less harder when you are actually single because you aren’t spending time resenting and stressing about a relationship where your the sole person doing it all because believe it or not once you except that he’s gone life gets easier plus less washing and one less mouth to feed the house because calmer because your calmer and so do the kids, chin up x
Honestly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Please don’t let somebody else convince you that everything you do for your family has no value. You sound completely exhausted, and you need a break. I would – one weekend leave him with the kids and go out by yourself for the day.
Please try to remember that you matter too.
You deserve respect & kindness. I would say if nothing changes. You may need to leave him and find someone who makes you happy.
Also, and I hope you don’t mind me asking because I’m genuinely curious — what is your family business? That sounds like you’ve built something successful. Sending hugs. From one mumma to another. 🤗. Xx
He’s gaslighting you!! Chuck him out and get maintenance. Let him do the court, etc at his cost. You have contributed to the relationship!! Good luck x
How do you pay for everything if you’re at home with the kids and he’s building a business?
You don’t have to accept his version of things. Honestly, why would you want to keep living this situation?
The genuine advice is to leave this man he appears to have no redeeming qualities is emotionally abusing you , He probably does owe you financially for all you have done to support him in the past but that’s not money you will ever see. He doesn’t deserve a minute more of your time . Let him go back to his mummy and move
forward , it sounds like you have been a single mum the whole of the relationship and now you’ll just have one less child to deal with . Let him take you to court unless you’re not looking after your child nothing will happen. He should still be allowed to see his son but it doesn’t always have to be on his terms and chances are the novelty will probably wear off . At the end of the day if you allow this behaviour ( which you are ) why would it ever stop? Be brave , I can already see you are strong life will be better for you soon I hope x
Give him a list of daily costs to have childcare, personal cook, laundry and dry cleaning done, ironing, personal maid, cleaning and ensure you give the hourly charge along with the day rate. Add on top of that all the bills and food and any other jobs like gardening, DIY that all would cost a fortune, then tell him how much he saves weekly whilst you’re doing those jobs doing nothing. Add at the end your his wife not his scivvy or mother.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but this is abuse. While not psychical it’s emotional and psychological abuse, take what you must from that but the way you’re describing him, what he does & the way he treats your family. You don’t need him – you’ve made that very clear even if you don’t know it yourself. Mind yourself💕