What If He Tries To Rape Me Again?

I think my relationship may be about to get abusive … it started when I stupidly did not discourage a male from being sexual with me over social media

It was wrong of me and I know that.

I stupidly allowed my PND and low self esteem to take the better of me in that situation

My thought was

“You’re fat and ugly, your partner thinks the same too”

So when another male showed sexual interest I allowed it

While I did encourage him, I didn’t discourage him either

And that was wrong
My partner found out..

My partner

My lover

My saviour

My BEST FRIEND
He’s hurt. Of course he’s hurt and I have nobody to blame for that but me

How could I ever hurt him like I have ?!

How could I ever have been so fucking stupid???
We spoke and I thought things were somewhat sorted between us

I knew the trust would be hard to rebuild

I know because he’s shattered my trust before

More than once

But that isn’t the point.
He wanted to have sex in the utility room, I said no

He pushed and pushed and forced his penis inside of me

Without consent
Is this rape?

God knows I deserve it
I got out of that situation unharmed, I went outside to avoid him for a while

Came back, and he acted as though nothing had happened
Cue bed that night, he again tried to initiate sex

I complied, it’s the least I can do after betraying his trust

The sex was rough, I didn’t enjoy it. But I allowed it to continue regardless

Half hour after he finished he wanted to go again, again I complied
It was this time when he strangled me, I couldn’t breathe.

I justified it in my head “he’s upset, he wants to hurt me without actually hurting me”

I mentioned it the day after

He “didn’t realise he had done it”

Ok, not to worry
We spent the day together and had a good laugh,

I hadn’t laughed like that in such a long time

We had such a good day together as a family
Again, back in bed that night he brought up my infidelity

We spoke, I asked if he wanted to hit me, I felt like I deserved it.

He was horrified I even suggested such a thing

“Id never hit a woman, EVER”

I apologised

He again initiated sex

He wanted anal, I refused

That didn’t stop him

He forced himself in me once again

And despite my screams and crying he continued

I tried to get away, he held me in place while he continued to force sex
I again, thankfully managed to get away

I ran, I was so distraught, I ran to the bathroom

But there is no lock

So, naked, scared and still crying I ran to my car

I drove away

I had nowhere to go. I’d left my phone so couldn’t ring anyone for help

And stupidly, all I wanted was my partner. The man who was my everything
But also the man who he caused me to be in this situation
I returned home, he was looking for me

“Are you ok?”

NO, no I am not

“You wanted me to hurt you”

Not like that …

he didn’t understand my point of view
I returned to bed and put some clothes on

What if he tries to rape me again?

What if this is the start of an abusive relationship?

Is this what I deserve?
He acted like nothing happened. And went away to work in the morning

Will tonight be better? Only time will tell?

I know everyone will read this and think

“Why stay?! Take your children and leave!”

But I can’t, it isn’t who he is.

He’s an amazing man, and my entire world

Thankfully I can recognise that what has happened the last two nights is wrong

If it continues, I’m gone.

But for now. I’m hoping he will be the man I love

The caring, affectionate man
I’m hoping this is his way of getting his frustration out for what I’ve done to him

I’m hoping this is the end