My Mother-in-Law Insists We Circumcise Our Son. Yikes!

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding, Slate’s parenting advice column, to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My fiancé was raised as a Reform Jew; I am a casual Christian. We have mutually decided not to circumcise our forthcoming son. His family is, to put it lightly, up in arms about our not hosting a bris. (“Because it’s a Jewish rite of passage!”)

I’ve tried reasoning that I won’t be up for hosting 20-plus people seven days after giving birth; I’ve tried explaining that we just won’t be circumcising; I’ve tried making the argument that it’s not sterile for a random rabbi to cut our newborn on the dining room table. [Ed. note: In a bris, the circumcision is performed by a mohel, who is trained in the religious and surgical aspects of the ritual.] I’ve done everything short of saying “Because I don’t want to host a penis party to expose my son to the world.”

Through my fiancé’s sister, we were warned of my future mother-in-law’s plan to host a “surprise” bris at our house a week after the birth! I’m ready to fly off the handle. This isn’t completely out of character for her, but it seems like a new level of crazy and violation. My fiancé has intervened in the past, but never on something of this magnitude. I feel that as the baby’s mother, this is not a situation I should just leave to him.

How do I confront her about this and, God forbid, deal with a “surprise bris” if family and a rabbi show up at our door in a few months?

—We Do Not Want a Bris

Dear WDNWaB,

You may be the baby’s mother, but your fiancé is the son of the lady who appears to be planning to toss you a “surprise” bris, and it’s absolutely his job to have this conversation. He needs to talk to her, preferably in person, immediately.

I guarantee that she does not think the decision was mutual. She thinks that you, “a casual Christian,” have pressured her Jewish son into forgoing something intensely important to his cultural heritage (not just the bris, but the circumcision itself), and nothing you say to her on the subject is going to make a dent in that.

Your fiancé has to have this talk. He needs to look her in the eyes and say that this is what he wants as well. You are blessed in your future sister-in-law being willing to narc on the “surprise!” bris; perhaps she and you and your fiancé could plan a party, a month or so after you’re truly back on your feet, that will celebrate his side of the family and his Jewish heritage, minus any mild surgery. It’ll be later than usual, but would you be open to a naming ceremony? I think that might do a lot to heal this relationship.

I do think she is behaving outrageously, but I also think, like so much outrageous behavior, it’s coming from a place of fear. That your family will be closer to your grandson, that your holidays will take precedence over the ones she raised your fiancé to celebrate, etc. Even as he lays down the law on the bris, I want your fiancé to do it with great kindness and provide her a degree of reassurance that this beautiful boy is still 100 percent her grandson, and (I assume) you plan on keeping his Jewish heritage alive in his life.

If that’s not the case, well, I would reconsider that. I wish you the best of luck, and if a mohel does show up with a medical kit, you can lock yourself in the bathroom with the baby until he goes. I am hoping that your fiancé and his mother can have the sort of conversation that renders that unnecessary.

From: A Surprise Bris?! (May 10th, 2019)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son is 2 years and 5 months, which I know is on the early side for this, but he grasps the general concept of the potty and is intrigued by it. He’s also the youngest in his class, and he observes slightly older kids using the potty like champs and seeks to emulate them. Perhaps most importantly, he knows, as his sister did before him, that a gummy bear awaits him if he potties successfully. Here’s where we are: Night after night after night, he sits happily on the potty for a good long while, eventually climbs down, then gets into the bath and, standing up, calmly, and with a sense of great purpose, pees in his bath. I try to anticipate this by talking him through it, but it doesn’t matter. He seems generally happy with this state of affairs. What am I doing wrong?

—Ew!

Dear Ew,

My answer depends on a piece of information I do not possess: Does your son enjoy having baths, or not? If he loves the bath (super common, and it’s certainly apparent he feels quite at home and relaxed in the tub!), then when he pees, you say, “Oh, you know we don’t pee in the bath, so bath time is over, and we’ll try again tomorrow.” Fish him out, dry him off, don’t make it a big deal, but make it clear.

If he does not enjoy the bath, then put his pullups on, wait until he pees in them (or, God willing, the potty), and then put him in the bath so that his tank is as close to empty as you can manage.

Kids pee in the bath. It’s OK. It’s common. It’ll pass.

From: My Kid Won’t Stop Peeing in the Bathtub (June 17th, 2019)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two boys, ages 9 and 6. They often play with a neighborhood boy named Carl, who is 5.
Yesterday, my morning sitter heard my younger boy say to the older one, “Don’t you think Carl’s penis looks weird?” My sitter jumped in and asked how they know what Carl’s penis looks like. They told her that he took it out and showed them, but they didn’t show theirs. Carl told them not to tell me.

While he says he didn’t, I’m not sure my 6-year-old wouldn’t have reciprocated. He’s been seen by different neighbors outside on a snowbank, shirtless with his pants around his ankles (underwear up!) beating his chest like King Kong. I think he’d just won king of the mountain, but why he’d need to drop his pants to celebrate, I have no idea.

I had a talk with my boys reminding them that their privates are private and they don’t take their penises out around other people. I made sure there was no touching involved. We talked about not keeping secrets, and that if this happens again, they should tell Carl to put his junk away, and tell me or their dad or the sitter what happened. All good.

My feeling is that Carl’s behavior is within the range of age appropriate for a 5-year-old. Am I wrong on that? Is it something I should to talk to his parents about? They seem perfectly nice, but we aren’t friends, and our contact is limited to text messages saying, “Can you send my kid home.” I think I’d want to know, but I admit I’m pretty uptight and from what I can tell, she’s more laid-back. Do I wait and see if it happens again?

I’ll admit I’m also concerned about my 9-year-old being around when a much younger kid has his penis out. Mine knows to keep it in his pants, and says he was uncomfortable and walked away when Carl dropped trou. What should I tell him to do if it happens again? Should I keep him from playing with Carl? That would be hard, since there are no kids his age in the neighborhood. Should I make sure they only play in our yard where I can keep an eye on the activities (also hard)?

—Please Keep It to Yourself

Dear PKItY,

I think this is pretty standard-issue behavior for a 5-year-old, but I do admit that the fact Carl told your sons not to tell their parents gives me pause. That (maybe) sounds like repeating a warning he’s heard before. I don’t think you need to go full KLAXON KLAXON KLAXON here, but I would definitely call Carl’s parents and relate the very simple course of events: Carl showed our sons his penis, our sons told us about it, we reiterated that we don’t take our genitals out to show people. You can tell them you’re only calling so they can remind Carl about keeping his junk to himself, but also that he did tell your sons to keep it a secret, which you found mildly worrisome, and you would want to be told about it if your situation were reversed.

From: Carl Dropped Trou (March 29, 2019)

—Nicole

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