My family must follow a strict, frustrating rule for my mother-in-law’s visits

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law has always been jealous of the fact that we live closer to my parents (30 minutes versus three hours away), especially since our daughter was born. But, cumulatively, we actually spend more time with my in-laws because we split holidays and visit with our families roughly the same number of times every year. (This data could be considered to reflect—and critique—the effort my parents put in to seeing us, but I digress.)

Furthermore, we either host my in-laws for a whole day, host my mother-in-law alone for a whole weekend, or stay at my in-laws’ house for several days (versus an afternoon outing or dinner with my family). And there’s an unspoken rule that we can’t include my family during my in-laws’ visits. (For example, one time we went with my wife’s parents to a farm near my parents’ house, but we didn’t stop by or invite them because it would have upset my mother-in-law.)

The impetus for this letter was my wife agreeing to have her mother come see us, having forgotten that we had made tentative plans with my parents and my sister’s family, who live about 1.5 hours away, for that same weekend. We haven’t seen my sister, her husband, and the kids since Christmas due to multiple toddler illnesses. I’m disappointed we won’t even be able to stop by my parents’ place to see them because my mother-in-law will be with us. Is this a problem worth addressing, or should I let it go?

—Trying to Find A Balance

Dear Balance,

There are a few problems to address, for sure, starting with the “unspoken” rule about your not being allowed to include your family in anything at which your in-laws are present. Just how unspoken is it?

Your letter leaves me with many questions. I wonder how, for example, that trip to the farm near your parents’ place went down exactly. Did you say, “Hey, we’re going to be in my parents’ neck of the woods, so I’m going to call them and ask them to meet us there, OK?” And were you met with death stares from both your wife and mother-in-law? Or perhaps you didn’t even bring it up because you know you’re forbidden to make such a suggestion. Who forbade you? (Your wife? With … you know, spoken words? Or is this an “understanding” between you and your wife? If so, how did that come to be?) Does everyone tiptoe around your mother-in-law, or is it just you who’s expected to? And what happens if she gets “upset”?

I can well imagine that this isn’t something you feel you can address directly with your mother-in-law. But why aren’t you and your spouse talking about it? You should be able to tell your wife and co-parent, “I want to see my brother and his family, and I want our child to see her cousins. If your parents are going to be here that weekend, I hope they’ll come too, but if they don’t want to for any reason, I’ll just head over there with Sally for a few hours.” Are you afraid your wife’s response would be, “Don’t be silly. You know that’s not going to work,” and that would lead to an argument? Just how conflict-avoidant are you? (Perhaps you could work backward and address this last question first.) Do you by any chance suspect that your wife didn’t forget about the tentative plans with your family but simply doesn’t consider such plans all that important? Or perhaps “tentative” means “probably not” where your family is concerned, which irritates and/or saddens you, thus complicating this already complicated dynamic.

In other words, it’s hard for me to know what’s going on here behind or beyond the surface competition between the two sets of your child’s grandparents (or the competition on one side, anyway, while the other side is clueless or less invested). All I know is that you’ve been sitting on this, not speaking up, not trying to find a way to make things better, for some time. And while this latest offense may have been the impetus for your letter, it’s not the thing that needs to be addressed: The whole arrangement needs to be reconsidered. Don’t let it go. Take the bull—all the bulls—by the horns.

—Michelle

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