I am looking for some honest outside advice because I genuinely can’t tell anymore if I’m being unreasonable or just second-guessing myself.
My mum and I have had a difficult relationship for years. We’ve been trying to rebuild things since I had my children, but there are still a lot of unresolved issues, so I keep some boundaries.
Today, while speaking to my teenage daughter on the phone, my mum asked if she wanted to go to her house every Thursday after school. The issue is that my husband and I have already told my mum that arrangements involving our daughter need to come through us rather than being made directly with her.
This isn’t about stopping my mum having a relationship with her granddaughter. It’s because my daughter has additional needs, struggles with changes to routine and had actually become stressed during the conversation. Our family is also extremely busy with work, college and the children, so we need to plan things week by week rather than have a fixed weekly commitment.
I simply said it wouldn’t automatically be every Thursday and that we’d decide depending on what we have going on and how my daughter is doing.
My mum also makes comments that she should see me more than my mother-in-law because she gave birth to me and lives closer. This really hurts because I’m very close to my mother-in-law, who has always treated me like the daughter she never had. My mum’s comments make me feel guilty for that relationship.
There’s also a separate family issue involving my sister and adult niece, who lives with my mum and dad. Following a major fallout, we decided months ago that we wouldn’t go to their house because we don’t want to risk unexpectedly seeing them. There have also been incidents with my sister that made me uncomfortable being around her, particularly when my children were present.
My mum makes me feel like I’m the problem and that I’m being controlling, and because of our history I’m starting to question myself.
So, genuinely, am I being unreasonable by saying that regular arrangements involving my teenage daughter should still be agreed with me and her dad, rather than my mum arranging them directly with her?
I’m genuinely looking for unbiased opinions, even if you think I’m in the wrong.
Source
It’s your daughter please stick to your guns and bring her up the way you know best xx it’s so hard but your mum needs to respect that and stay out xx u got this x 🫶
Honestly, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. ❤️ From what you’ve explained, it doesn’t sound like you’re trying to stop your mum having a relationship with her granddaughter it sounds like you’re asking for reasonable boundaries around arrangements involving your child.
Especially if your daughter has additional needs and changes to routine can cause her stress, I think it’s perfectly fair for you and her dad to be involved in making plans rather than your mum putting her on the spot and asking her directly. That doesn’t mean your daughter can’t have a say in what she wants to do, either, there’s a difference between listening to her wishes and putting the responsibility of agreeing arrangements onto her.
I also think the comments about your mother-in-law are unnecessary. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for having a close relationship with someone who has supported and loved you. Being your mum’s daughter doesn’t mean she gets to compete with your mother-in-law for a place in your life.
And given the history you’ve described, I can understand why you have boundaries around visiting your mum’s house too. Boundaries aren’t the same thing as punishment or control.
The fact you’re questioning yourself and genuinely asking whether you could be wrong actually tells me you’re trying to be fair. You don’t have to completely cut someone off to have boundaries with them, and you don’t have to feel guilty for protecting your peace or your children’s wellbeing. ❤️
Obviously we only have your side of things, so nobody online can know the whole story, but based purely on what you’ve written, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.