Dad Seeks Help After Finding 12-Year-Old’s Burner Phone

Discovering something alarming about your kid is a nightmare scenario for parents struggling to monitor things like their friendships or online habits—and for good reason. 

Well, a recent Reddit thread tells the story of one parent’s nightmare come true.

The Discovery that Changed Everything

“My 12-year-old son has been going through some stuff as of late, that has me and his mother concerned,” writes Tri_Guy72 in the Parenting subreddit. “Tonight, when he was in the shower, I found a burner iPhone in his pillow. When I confronted him, I no longer saw or heard my son. It was an entirely different person who absolutely blew up on me. He said really horrible things to me that will forever stick and said that his life was over now.”

After being confronted, OP says his son described the phone as being “his life and the only way he fit in.” He lashed out at his parents, saying he hated them, and even expressed “how he didn’t want to live.”

After chatting separately with his son’s mom, OP says they suspect there is more on the burner phone than just Snapchat, which he isn’t allowed to have either.

How the son was able to pay for the burner phone is a mystery. “He does yard work but hasn’t made anywhere near that much to cover everything,” OP continues.

He’s tried to access the content on the phone but hasn’t been able to open it.

“And yes, we are getting him into counseling asap, but [I] really need to know what else he is hiding,” OP says. “I’m on the kitchen floor, bawling because of what happened tonight and would really appreciate any help. Just really concerned he’s going to potentially harm himself and that [we] ‘lost’ our son at just 12 based on all the things he said to us that we’ve never remotely heard before.”

Why Kids Might Get Burner Phones

“Adolescence is a time of significant exploration and identity formation,” says Dr. Michael Adelman, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist with Mindpath Health. “As a part of this time of exploration, there often is a significant amount of impulsivity involved in decision-making. [Adolescents] may often shift their sense of self dramatically, trying on different identities in a constant search for self-exploration.”

Tweens and teens also often want anonymity, especially from their parents. Burner phones offer this and a way to try new identities. However, impulsivity can lead to poor choices.

“Burner phones are easier to find than you may think,” says Alejandra Galindo, LMFT with Thriveworks in Houston. Some ways a teen or tween can gain access to a burner phone include: 

• Step-by-step guide videos on YouTube and other platforms
• Purchasing one themselves at a gas station (sometimes with a fake ID)
• Being gifted one from a predator

Galindo adds signs your child may have a burner phone include:

• Sudden shifts in mood
• Withdrawal 
• Indifference toward the phone you know about
• Sudden dips in data usage on the phone you know about
• Unrecognizable devices connected to your router

Exploitation concerns are also valid

“​This post rang alarm bells for me,” comments one person. “I have worked with children at risk of criminal/labor exploitation for many years, and this scenario is pretty typical for that demographic. Having a hidden burner phone [and] his reaction to it being discovered/confiscated [and] having unexplained sums of money would be significant indicators of potential exploitation for the purposes of criminality (e.g., drug dealing and other associated activity).”

Galindo agrees these concerns are valid, adding, “Large sums of money is absolutely a red flag for exploitation. Children often see money as a means to ‘gain’ things like popularity, devices, and stylish clothes. [Their] instinct isn’t to question where the money is coming from, so when presented with an opportunity to get free money or complete a ‘small task’ for money, they will often take it, not knowing the larger consequences down the road.”

Other red flags, according to Galindo are:

• Skipping school frequently
• Staying out late or overnight
• Unexplained gifts/new possessions
• Secretive behavior, like leaving abruptly to answer a call or text
• Self-harm
• Relationships with older peers/adults parents haven’t met 

How to Handle Finding Your Kid’s Burner Phone

While the situation is emotional and troubling, Dr. Huy and the other professionals we spoke with offer tips for parents, should they find themselves in a similar position. 

Take an emotional step back

“Take a step back and spend enough time for you to have an emotional reaction, which may be the event that a teen might want to avoid the most,” Dr. Huy says.

After some processing time, Dr. Huy says you’ll be better equipped to respond calmly and rationally, which can foster more productive conversations.

Walk, don’t leap into the conversation

Galindo suggests asking open-ended questions and listening first.

“Your child will likely say hurtful things, so do your best to focus on listening to any feelings behind the words,” Galindo says. “This will help keep you a bit calmer and also show your child you are genuinely listening to them.”

Dr. Huy suggests leading with affection: “To promote a safe and honest space, show affection and concern, as opposed to ridicule and punishment. A teen may not see all the pieces involved that a parent is able to see, and they may be just as fearful, especially when met with their own emotional outburst. If the purpose of sneaking around or lying is to protect [themselves] from judgment and harm, address the misconception by offering non-judgement and safety.”

Collaborate

“While this can be difficult to do, make sure to remember that you and your child are on the same team,” Dr. Adelman says. “If you are able to negotiate these difficult experiences collaboratively, it increases both the openness of your child to communicating the truth of what has happened and their investment in working with you to define a solution.”

And that investment will continue paying off down the road: “[Your kids] will confide in you over time as they encounter other difficulties and concerns throughout their growth and development,” Dr. Adelman adds.