My friends with kids have implemented some new “rules” for me

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m not a mom (yet) but many of my friends have young children (ranging from newborn to 8 years old). I love my friends dearly and I love their children! Watching my friends become mothers has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. But there’s one big exception…

I have a dirty mouth. I love my expletives. They are always used in moments of inconvenience or hyperbole (think “[beep] the mother [beeping] wind today!”) and never out of genuine anger or, God forbid, toward anyone—and certainly never toward a kid. But in moments where a four-letter (or ten-letter) word reflexively escapes my mouth, my friends (who still themselves curse, mind you!) have started saying, “Mind your language” to me when their kids are around.

I’ve tried playing it off, especially when the kids in question are very young (“They won’t remember,” or “They don’t know what it means”) but I know my friends are right that kids will pick up what they hear as they get older, and that they’re prone to repeating what they’ve heard. So I’ve apologized a few times, but it left, pun intended, a bad taste in my mouth.

The thing is, freedom of language and expression is something I feel strongly about. I don’t want to apologize for it! I’ve known these women since we were teens, and my mouth was just as filthy back then as it is now. They know who I am and that my heart is as pure as my words are nasty. Part of me feels it’s incumbent upon them as parents, when the lesson becomes relevant and if they feel it’s necessary, to explain to their kids that some people (like their wacky aunt) swear a lot, but it’s not something they want them to do for whatever reasons they’ve deemed moral and necessary. I know if I choose to die on this hill, I might end up less involved in these adorable children’s lives than I want to be, but … maybe that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make, to protect my [beeping] right to [beeping] talk however I [beeping] want to. If you do think I ought to restrain myself, any tips for doing so when the urge strikes?

—Cursing Until the Cows Come Home

Dear Cows Come Home,

Look, I’m a fan of a well-placed four- (or better yet 12-) letter word myself. I have also never seen the harm in children hearing such words. It’s easy enough to teach a child that some words are used only in some settings, or that some words are widely considered to be impolite or, if invoked, will get them in trouble or simply upset someone. But it should be fairly simple for an adult to learn that lesson too. If I had friends I loved dearly who didn’t want me to use Kamala Harris’s (and my) favorite curse word in front of their kids, I wouldn’t. Nor would I ever do so in the presence of my sweet mother-in-law, genteel Southern lady that she is. (Hell, I don’t even say damn in front of her. Or hell, for that matter.)

Adjusting one’s language depending on the audience is not an infringement of one’s “free speech.” It’s just polite and practical. (I don’t know what kind of work you do, but since most work environments do not encourage freeform cursing, I’m guessing that there are some occasions on which you keep your filthy mouth in check.) I don’t have any tips for how to do that except to remind yourself that you’re a full-grown adult person who certainly can restrain herself when necessary. The only question is whether your friendships are important enough to you to make this small sacrifice.

—Michelle

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