I am wanting a private anonymous post if that’s possible?
I don’t have children of my own anyway however I have raised children that were my ex husbands who were only 2 and 4 when I met them. Fast forward 18 years and I left their dad last year after years of domestic emotional/mental/financial and coercive control.. he even had full access to my medical records .. after spending years breaking me down.. making me look crazy and mentally unstable. I hid most of the abuse where I could from everyone .. didn’t really realise at first either .. it was when I had my first breakdown in April 22 when my ex successfully drove me that bad that I needed help professionally in a hospital setting.. I tried so hard to tell them what was going on but his manipulation had even my closest friends fooled .. my psychiatrist once made me feel like I was being unreasonable and he was long suffering husband .. November 23 .. breakdown 2 happened .. this time I was offered respite in a crisis house environment voluntary but with restrictions ie I had to be monitored and if I just left for a walk I had to say what when were I was and what would happen if I wasn’t to return at the time started as I was a vulnerable adult .. little did I know though that yes while I was begging them to listen to me .. they actually were WITNESSING him abusing me when he thought he was free to do so.. he didn’t realise that some of the support staff are not in uniforms but casual dressed .. he must of thought those members of staff in casual clothing were service users because it was on day 5 of my 7 days and they had witnessed an incident of him being abusive and then after he left told me that they were worried and safe guarding me .. they asked if I wanted him to come back to visit and I said no.. he didn’t come to visit again as I was refusing them. I got home and he was sheepish but wanted to know more of why he wasn’t allowed to come .. I didn’t say at first .. kinda scared tooo.. but one day about a week later after discharge he was again questioning stuff about not being able to see me .. and I said ( as the staff witnessed ) that he was caught being horrible to me .. not that I actually recall what he was doing at the time but have since read the medical records .. he was pacing back and fourth stressing and I got anxious and never carried on that conversation but at a support visit with my mental health cafe that I was asked to give a try he admitted to being abusive but said in the next breath .. I didn’t mean it.. most of it was jokes and he would stop and get help..
He never did .. he was even by a charity for DV offered a course for domestic abuse perpetrators to understand what they were doing was wrong and what they needed to do to change .. he took the leaflet … and said he would defo look into it.. ( I threw it out a few months after I found the strength to leave In 25) .. his children .. I was only 21 when I met them .. but he said i had to calm down on the nights out if I wanted to be a part of their lives .. naturally being as I was in love with their dad they part and part of him.. they were never not part of his life that I didn’t want to know.. I first met them with their mother at home having dinner with them all .. and that was the rest of my life until last year ..
There mum although I never seen eye to eye with her when it came to the kids we were on the same wavelength.. she knew and trusted that I wouldn’t of ever hurt those children because and she actually tried it in court said that I was more for them than what he was and that they only came because I was the one doing the interaction and she wouldn’t speak to him only me. We got custody .. but like I said mother and I weren’t besties but she knew I wouldn’t have let anybody hurt a hair on their heads..
Even when the oldest when about 12 called me mum for the umpteenth time and I didn’t correct her this time .. she even said well I’m mummy your mum just like my ex was daddy and her partner was known as dad- T ..
I liked being called old oap names by the children when we would mess around .. because I was young and In my 20s then .. they would come to me if they couldn’t go to their parents .. because I would respect them and depending on the situation to whether I would be finding away to talk to their parents about what they came to me for .. and I never once ever said I wouldn’t .. they knew if I felt it need to be and they still didn’t want me too.. I had a duty of care for them and if it was serious enough I would have too.. but when it came to the usual things I kept my promise ..
Those kids are adults now .. 20 and 22
I left last year .. that’s 17 years of being there mum ish and now I don’t even have them .. obviously the marriage breakdown was difficult but again they never seen their dad that way.. and they naturally stayed sided with their dad.. he is a clever manipulative man.. he has poisoned them against me .. I have thousands and I mean thousands of photos of their childhood and achievements.. millions of memories Iv made with them, Iv cooked, cleaned , laughed, cried and watched them grow into who they’re today .. Iv washed their hair, wiped their tears , heard their dreams and always made sure they knew nothing was ever out of their reach ..
I was only step mum ..
but I never had my own .. I didn’t need too.. they were /are everything and more to me already ..
I didn’t need to add to the family to make it anymore complete .. I had them already. I’m 39 now .. and since I was 21 .. iv been “mum by proxy” until last year .. I’ve heard nothing.. iv not seen .. iv message on special occasions knowing full well they won’t get it as I am blocked .. the last thing the oldest said to me before they blocked me .. “Love you mum” .. he has done this to punish me .. but to also remind me that like he always had too.. that if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have it.. and without him I wouldn’t have it..
I miss my by proxy babies .. I raised them with him.. his job was more important and better paying than mine.. so it was me that was taking the time off work to look after them.. and it was me that even tried a different part time job to make it work.. I was sacrificing myself for his children.. but I would do it all over time and time again for them children..
Iv never had children of my own..
but pretty sure this is the unconditional love those who have talk about.. after all . I may not have birthed them .. but I chose to help raise and love them.. as my own.. and I did ..
And now .. I can barely breathe anymore without them..
I’d do anything just to see them again.. that cuddle, their smell their infectious personalities .. and I just want to see my babies again .. and even though they’re not mine.. but you wouldn’t call and adoptive mother nothing to a child they hadn’t birthed themselves .. so why am I any different? I married their dad yes .. but like an adoptive parent .. iv wanted this .. wouldn’t have given it the time of day if not.. I loved them no different ..
I am mourning/grieving for children I have raised and probably know more about .. but I have just to accept that because I was only a parent by marriage that I have no right too..
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