I don’t really know if it’s advice or some words of support I’m needing.
I got married really young in what turned out to be an abusive marriage in every sense of the word. I came out of the marriage with two children who I adore (boys) and a shit load of trauma.
Living on edge for 9 years, dealing with emotional and physical abuse along with him having a gambling addiction, prolifically cheating and a drinking problem destroyed me.
At 27 I lost my mum to cancer and then came out of this marriage which to be honest I don’t think I’ll ever recover from because I ended up having a nervous breakdown, I was extremely unwell.
Immediately after this my sister got into an abusive relationship as well and was forced away from me and for years I didn’t know where she was an would receive calls of concern of the police etc when others were reporting incidents involving her. I became really on edge with this as every knock on the door i thought someone was going to tell me she was dead. (She’s also safe now thankfully).
With my abusive marriage, losing my mum and dealing with my sister I just ended up in a constant state of fight or flight and whilst I do my best to remain calm, any little thing can unfortunately dis regulate me for days.
Since then I have done my best to heal but with no family support and the children seeing their father at maximum twice a year for a couple or days I just don’t get a break.
I’ve recently met someone and there’s absolutely no space in my life to include him in it because I just don’t get a second to develop a relationship independently away from my children.
I’ve been single for 9 years now and putting everyone first all the time (as you should with your children) but with no breathing space at all or any space to be my own person.
I used to really pride myself of being some kind of moral martyr putting everyone’s needs before my own and priding myself in handling everything alone but now, now that my kids are growing up I’m regretting it so much. I’m regretting that somewhere along the way, a very long time ago I lost my identity and I seem to just simply exist for other people. I’m not complaining about my children, I’m complaining it takes two people to make a child and yet my whole life has been about sacrifice whilst their father hasn’t made any sacrifices at all when it comes to them.
Having a conversation with my son earlier (17) and he was saying how negative my energy is basically (those close to me say they can feel the anxiety coming off me even when I’m doing my best to seem ok).
I hid the abuse so well that he has no idea what his dad put me through for 9 years and another 6 of post separation abuse, just sees a nervous wreck in front of him but years of abuse made me this way. So whilst their Dad comes across as easy going etc, I’m living with a shit load of trauma.
I had no intention of ever telling him what his dad put me through because I feel it’s none of his business but at the same time I just wanted to scream when he was saying about my energy!
I’m like this because I have always had to deal with so much alone and I have no time to do anything for myself, ever.
Source
Gosh I feel for you. But you do have a chance of a different life now. Seek some professional help. Your kids are nearly grown there’s a life out there for you
Go to the doctor and get a referral for counselling. Include bereavement because you need to grieve. You will probably need it for a long time. There are alot of charities out there who you can talk to by phone.
When your 17 year old next comments on your energy then admit it and give him a brief outline of what you have gone through. Or if you can’t talk about it then write a letter and give him to read if he chooses to. Your sister is ok now but she is also an adult who should understand what you have gone through.
If you like this man then be honest with your situation. In the meantime do something for yourself. Yoga, swimming, whatever takes your fancy. Good luck.