PPP. Today I am grieving from a body that is continuing to grow because my brai…

PPP.
Today I am grieving from a body that is continuing to grow because my brain has not caught up with the reality.

Nobody talks about missed miscarriages. I didnt even know they existed.

They called it a ‘missed miscarriage’,
as though my grief
had simply missed its appointment.
Your heart had gone quiet,
but mine refused to let you go.
You were so wanted
that even my body
refused to let you go—
still building you a home
from promises that would never come true,
three months of carrying the shape of your future,
begging you to stay.
And that is the cruelty:
to lose you
while my body refuses to say goodbye.
Still entirely a mother,
with nowhere to put my motherhood.
So still, I carried you,
long after I lost you.
Because this kind of love
does not understand
how one heartbeat can stop
while a mother’s heart
keeps beating for two.

A missed miscarriage is when a baby’s heartbeat stops, but the body doesn’t realise the pregnancy has ended. There is no bleeding or cramping, and pregnancy hormones completely continue, so your body keeps growing the pregnancy and you still feel completely pregnant.
It is the heartbreak of losing your baby while your body is still carrying them, still believing they are coming.
Your body keeps making a home for someone who is no longer coming home.

I’ve spend the last few days in hospital with signs of sepsis so had to have surgical removal under general anaesthetic of my three month old growing baby that I’ll never get to meet after what should have been the excitement of seeing them for the very first time. Until my world broke, no heartbeat confimed. I opted for a shared cremation alongside other baby’s of grieving mothers to be scattered in a memorial garden so that my baby can continue to bloom and grow and never have to be alone.

How am I supposed to survive this grief when for a whole month my body still won’t register this is happening and my symptoms will continue. 😭

I was wondering if anyone else has been through this and beg for positive stories of soon after success stories.
How long after this did you manage to conceive and go onto have a healthy pregancy?

I know we all deal with it differently. But I can’t imagine my body having to remain empty when it is filled with nothing but grief.

X


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