This is a long, long post – and it’ll only scrape the surface of whats gone on o…

This is a long, long post – and it’ll only scrape the surface of whats gone on over the last 6 years. I honestly feel so, so stupid and ridiculous even writing these things. I just feel so lost, and almost numb – nothing really excites me anymore and its scary. I guess I just want somewhere to share this with, as its incredibly lonely.

I was raised as a Jehovahs wittness, and had an abundant of friends, and always doing something with someone – Until one day, my mental health was really bad and I was told “pray more, and youll be fine” and thats when I realised this wasnt healthy for me anymore. At 20, I had no one – All my “best friends” had vanished, cut contact and havent heard from them since. Even some family members are distant. I very quickly after this met someone, started dating and then got married to a moroccan man (only through the islamic way). We did the marriage nikkah in someone’s living room wearing jeans and a jumper, and i find it embarrassing. Ive dreamt of a wedding with a white dress, all my family around and a day where ill remember for life. But, my wants and needs were dismissed as “pointless” and “theres no point in spending loads on one day when you can spend it on our future” – Valid point. But i wasnt asking for a big wedding. Still to this day, I nring it up that we have no wedding photos ots just “that’s just for show” and the conversation gets shut dow.
Looking back now, its almost as if I was jumping from one hot pan (religion) to the other (relationship). I now have 2 children age 5 and almost 1. There’s been MAJOR red flags, and i know people are wanting to shake me fom an outsider perspective – and im still very conscious how ridiculous this is going to sound, so please be kind.
I caught him on tinder 3 months after marriage. Then again. Then badoo when pregnant with my first, and then postpartum. Badoo, POF, MUZMATCH, and tinder has been a continuous act ever since. The most recent was 3 weeks post partum with my second, I was struggling with breastfeeding upstairs and I checked a fake account and found him there. I called him up, and showed him – He denies it. Its “not him”. It always gets spun around that “im looking for issues” and “paranoid”, even to the point im anxious to even bring my insecurities of it still happening up because im always met with hostility and blame that its ME causing issues for bringing it up. Its like I believe it. Ive stopped crying about it, and ive almost accepted this is my life – Because this is what’s been drilled into my head as a JW, “Unless its physical adultery, then marriage must prevail” basically.”
Overtime, I’ve lost the remaining friend i had since high-school. She smokes weed, but i dont. That’s not an issue for me, its a part of her personality haah 🥰🤣He never says “You CANT see her”, but its the way he makes me feel when I do go and see her, or talk about her. So overtime, its been easier to be alone than face days and days of anguish and silent treatment. I feel crazy for even complaining, because he doesn’t use the words “No you cant” so it must be that I AM paranoid?!
He doesn’t like any of my family, because he classes them as junkies and bad association. Im limited to seeing my mum 3 or 4 times a year, or i cant take my children as they’ll get fed bad behaviours. Now, my mother isnt perfect and has made many big errors as I was a child, and I suffered from it. She got married 3 times and put men before her children when someone new came along. But I do love her. I want to have a relationship with her, and be able to see her whenever I want. Yes, I understand she lives a different lifestyle to my little family – we dont drink alchol etc – But thats not my business to judge. I live my life the way I want, and I expect everyone else to love the way that they also want to live. It’s about respect! But, he puts everyone down, and turns his nose at anyone who isn’t his parents or close relatives. I have even started getting anxious to bring up conversations about normal family stuff, because im met with silence. “My sister is in labour”, silence.. “My nan has had an operation”, silence… “Let’s go and see YOUR parents”, – “Yeah let’s do it, that sounds amazing.”

There ARE positives about him, and i feel awful coming here because I hate talking badly about people – he’s a provider and I never have to worry in that department. I can rely on him to turn up if I ever need help with a broken down car etc etc.
My sexual needs aren’t being met, as he wont go down or use his hands. Foreplay is once out of 20 times – But not for him. My emotional needs arent being met. I just want to be loved the way I love, whole heartedly and unconditionally. I want to be loved for me, the good the bad and the ugly. I want to be told I look good, and hugged and kissed hello and goodbye. I want a wedding.


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