She’s trying for a baby with her boyfriend—but he told her he wouldn’t change poopy diapers.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding, Slate’s parenting advice column, to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My boyfriend and I are trying to have kids. The topic of changing poopy diapers came up, and he was adamant that he would not do it. He said that since he mows our lawn, I can change everything that isn’t pee. He was laughing, but I don’t believe he’s joking at all. Can you settle this for us?

—Equal Opportunity Diaper Duty

Dear EODD,

People tell jokes for attention, or because they’re stressed, or to handle an uncomfortable truth. I want to believe that your boyfriend was joking, but I want to understand why.

So, maybe your boyfriend just wants some attention. Maybe he’s anticipating what it will be like when the two of you become three and the smallest member of the family is the star of the show. Similarly, maybe he’s stressed—deciding to have kids is no small thing!—and this little joke is a way of acting out.

Or maybe this is his way of handling the uncomfortable truth, which is what you seem to think: that he seriously believes this is a tenable option for a dad. Obviously, he’s wrong. He cannot possibly argue that a reasonable approach to parenting looks like him mowing the lawn once every two weeks while you change diapers every day.

You should tell him honestly that this joke or assertion or whatever you’d call it is making you upset—that you need to know you’ll be equal partners as parents and that he’ll be present for your child come what may (and what comes will certainly get a lot messier than a poopy diaper).

What’s at issue here isn’t poop at all, of course—it’s the big messy task ahead of you both. I suspect he’s joking about diapers because he knows this and is rightly overwhelmed. Tell him he needs to cut it out, and hopefully he’ll hear you. If, however, he truly believes that parental responsibilities can be apportioned like this, you should think deeply about whether he’s the person you want to share those responsibilities with.

—Rumaan Alam

From: My Boyfriend Has Declared He Won’t Change Poopy Diapers. (June 13th, 2019)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter had lifesaving stomach surgery at 22 hours old, and she spent three weeks in the NICU. As a result, she was at risk for lung infections and various other stomach issues, such as reflux. Because of this, we co-slept from the time she got home from the hospital. Three months later, her dad suddenly walked out of our life. This was extremely traumatic for me and I was never able to transition her into a crib during her infancy. Along with being able to monitor her health as I lay beside her, I found great comfort in our co-sleeping.

She is now 5 ½ years old, and I’m not sure if I need to worry about her continuing to sleep with me. I don’t mind it as I’m not currently dating anyone. When I bring it up with her, she says she isn’t ready to sleep in her own bed. Others have voiced their concerns about us still co-sleeping at this age, but she’s smart, hitting all her milestones, and seems very secure in our relationship. She has no issues when staying at other places.

I’m not sure if I am damaging her by continuing the co-sleeping, or if I’m holding on to her because I am anxious about her past health issues (which she experiences much less frequently now).

—Should I Cut the Cord?

Dear SICtC,

I am so sorry to hear about the frightening time after your daughter’s birth and so glad she’s doing well now. And I’m sorry her father wasn’t there for both for you and that he left you when and how he did. I’m trying—because that’s how I roll—to find it in my heart to feel a little sorry for him for not getting to have this delightful child in his life, but that seems past the limits of my compassion.

Speaking of compassion: Your daughter, it seems, has it in spades. If she has no trouble sleeping without you by her side when she stays overnight elsewhere, I’m guessing that what’s going on isn’t that she’s not ready to sleep in her own bed but that she knows you’re not ready for it. I don’t mean that she is consciously lying to you, or to herself. What’s happening, I think, is that she’s taking care of you and she’s internalized your need as her own.

You do need to end the co-sleeping. It’s time. This sounds harsh, I know. But you’ll have to trust me when I tell you I don’t have a harsh bone in my body—and also that I am most definitely not against co-sleeping. I loved having my baby daughter beside me when I slept, and I would have kept her there forever if I didn’t know better. Part of being a loving parent is cutting the cord—cord after cord—when the time is right.

The sad fact is it is ridiculously easy to get our own needs mixed up with our children’s. Learning to ask myself the question Whose need is this, hers or mine? helped me clarify all kinds of decisions about how to treat my daughter. To be honest, it still helps me today and she is 26 years old. This is a question that should never grow old for a parent.

And it’s a harder question to answer truthfully than you might think. We are all of us fragile and needy beings. Being an adult doesn’t magically make us strong. Nor does being a parent, although parenthood does give us some sly opportunities to get our own needs met, and sometimes they’re needs that never have been met before. (For instance, if you waited until you are dating someone and then kicked your daughter out of your bed, it would be very clear whose needs were being met by this arrangement.)

My every instinct is telling me that co-sleeping at this point isn’t about her needs but about yours, and the ways she has come to believe that it’s her job to keep you feeling safe and secure and un-lonely. And I know you know that this is not in fact her job. That because of the awful circumstances surrounding her birth and infancy, the natural order of things shifted. That it’s time to set them right.

I suspect that when you tell your child firmly that it’s time for her to sleep in her own bed—in her own room, too, if she has one that’s separate from yours—she’ll protest. She’ll cry. She might even have a meltdown. Stick to your guns when she says she’s not ready. (This will be hard, I know. I know it will be hard to pick up the guns in the first place.) From everything you’ve said about your daughter, it seems pretty clear she is ready. Give her the chance to let you—and herself—know that.

I want to add that this is not your fault. It’s not something to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. No one intentionally hangs on to something that was once necessary for the well-being of their child but has outlived its usefulness; no one intentionally persuades themselves that they’re doing something for their child when they are “only” taking care of themselves—and “only” is in quotes because I don’t want to minimize the importance of your taking care of yourself. There’s no one taking care of you, no one helping you, no one looking out for you. That’s very hard. But figuring how to take care of yourself is another matter altogether, right?

—Michelle Herman

From: Should I Make My 5-Year-Old Stop Co-Sleeping With Me? (July 16th, 2019)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter is turning 5 in a few months, and her best friend has her birthday the day before. We are good friends with her parents, who have suggested this year that we do a joint birthday party at a restaurant with a kids’ play area. I don’t want to!

We tend toward low-key parties with about seven to 10 of my daughter’s friends, whereas last year their daughter’s party had something like 25 kids, with all the attendant parents and siblings. That’s like 50 people, most of whom I don’t know, to entertain! The cost aside, we also did “no gifts” at our daughter’s previous birthday parties (she gets plenty from us and our relatives) and I don’t think I can reasonably ask the other girl’s parents to follow suit if we go in together.

I think us sharing the cost of the party would be a huge help to them, so I’m feeling guilty. How do I get out of this in the most face-saving manner possible? I feel like they’ll think it’s weird or unfriendly that I don’t want two best buddies with practically the same birthday to celebrate together.

—Party Pooper

Dear Party Pooper,

If the Care and Feeding inbox is any indication, many parents share your stress about kids’ birthday parties.

Every family is different, and you have no responsibility to help some other family shoulder the cost of an elaborate party, even if your kids are best friends.

Just tell the parents you will be doing something else for your kid’s party and look forward to seeing them there, and let it go at that. They may indeed think you’re weird, but that’s their problem and not yours.

They might bring it up again, press on this a bit, or say something in an attempt to make you feel like you’re in the wrong. In that case, you can either be honest (“Our family prefers a smaller, intimate birthday celebration!”) or you can offer a harmless lie (“A big party just isn’t in our budget!”).

I wouldn’t get into all the nitty-gritty—there might be bruised feelings, yes, but indicating that you fundamentally object to the way they celebrate birthdays might lead to the kind of hard feelings that make it difficult for the kids to remain pals.

—R.A.

From: Birthday Spoilsport. July 4th, 2019

Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.