My married lover’s mother approves of us and wants me to call her ‘Mum’ – it’s so strange and a real turn-off

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M freaked out by the fact that my married lover’s mother approves of our relationship – and they both want me to call her “Mum”.

It feels like I’m the unwilling participant in some sort of weird fantasy, and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.

I’m a 32-year-old single man. My lover is 40. We’ve been seeing each other for a year and she insists that we always meet at her house, when her husband — who frequently travels for business — is away.

She told me her marriage was sexless and boring, but leaving him would be complicated.

As I’m not in any hurry to settle down, her being married didn’t bother me. In fact, it made our trysts more exciting.

But one day when I went round I was surprised to find my lover’s 64-year-old mother in her living room.

It turned out she knew all about our relationship, and she didn’t mind at all.

We had a cup of tea together, and then my lover led me up the stairs to her bedroom.

It felt naughty — a bit like being a teenager again.

I assumed it was a one-off, but next time I went round, the mother was there again. We even had dinner together.

It seemed weird to me, but we got on well.

But now, my lover has said her husband is going away for several weeks, and she’d like me to move in with her while he’s absent.

Her mother will be staying there too. “Call me Mum,” she said. “You’re like part of the family now.”

This seems really strange. I feel like I’m somehow being used — like I’m playing a role — and, if I’m honest, it’s a turn-off.

DEIDRE SAYS: Regardless of whether you’re involved in an ordinary partnership or an illicit affair, no relationship or sexual demand should make you feel uncomfortable.

This situation does sound unusual. It may be that your lover’s mother is very liberal, wants her daughter to be happy and prefers you to her husband.

Or, you may well be right, and this is some sort of voyeuristic sexual game they’ve cooked up together.

Either way, if you don’t want to be a part of it, you need to tell your lover how you feel. Perhaps you could invite her to stay at your place instead or go away together.

Maybe you need to accept that this relationship is fraught with one too many pitfalls and it’s time to walk away. My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, tells you more about the reality of affairs.

THANK YOU FOR… EASING BURDEN OF MONEY PROBLEMS

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN the cost of living crisis hit, I found myself struggling, fearing homelessness and bankruptcy.

My business was failing, but my wife didn’t seem to understand how bad things were, leaving me feeling isolated and resentful.

We’re both in our 40s, with two young children.

I wrote to you asking for advice.

You empathised, explaining how money worries are one of the issues that cause most conflict in marriages.

You advised me to be straight with her about my fears of bankruptcy, and suggested I read your support packs, Looking After Your Relationship and Family Finances.

It’s now a year since I first wrote, and I’m happy to say we were able to find a compromise.

My wife has taken on a permanent, part-time job, and we’ve made more cutbacks as a family.

We’re now much more on the same page about money. I’m less stressed and my business is slowly improving.

Thank you for your kindness and helpful information.

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s great that you’ve been able to communicate and reach a compromise.

Continuing to discuss your finances should prevent future issues.

PORN PROBLEM

DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I started watching “femdom” porn – where women are dominant – ordinary adult content no longer turns me on.

Now I’m curious about translating my fantasy into a real-life experience, but I’m worried my wife will think I’m a pervert.

I’m a middle-aged man and have been married for 20 years. Our sex life has taken a downward turn. She’s rarely in the mood, so I’ve been satisfying myself with porn.

I started with the usual girl/boy straight sex stuff, but now I particularly enjoy it where women take control in bed and use sex toys on men. I find it so arousing that normal sex leaves me limp.

Although I’d never have imagined doing this, I’m now obsessing about trying this out with my wife.

The problem is, I think she’d be horrified. Should I suggest it to her?

DEIDRE SAYS: Porn sites are designed to steer viewers towards more varied forms of sex – it’s how they keep you hooked.

But reality and porn are very different. And because something appeals to you as a fantasy, doesn’t mean you’d enjoy it in real life.

As for your wife, if she’s rarely in the mood for sex, it’s unlikely she’d want to indulge your fantasy.

It would be far better to try to wean yourself off the porn and see if you can get your sex life back on track

My support pack, Is Pornography Ruining Your Life?, might be helpful. Talk to your wife and tell her you miss intimacy, and read my support pack, Saving Your Sex Life, together

CHEATING HUBBY BLAMES ME FOR HIM HAVING FLING

DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my husband walked out on me, my life has fallen apart. Even though I tried forgiving him for cheating, he gave up on our sex life and decided he didn’t love me any more. I feel broken.

We have been married for 11 years and are both in our early 40s. A year ago, I discovered he’d been having an affair. I was devastated, but agreed to forgive him.

I thought he’d want to fix our relationship. But he made no effort at all – apart from doing the odd bit of DIY, which he seemed to want a medal for.

He wouldn’t talk, preferring to be on his phone – which made me paranoid.

As for our sex life, he had no interest in me, even though I repeatedly asked for more intimacy.

Then, one day, he came home from work and said he didn’t love me any more, and wanted a divorce.

Worse, he said he’d never really loved me and had just “settled”. He thought we’d be better off as just friends. I was shellshocked.

Since he left, he’s been horrible, saying he had never fancied me, that I was terrible in bed, and that our relationship falling apart was all my fault.

It feels like the man I loved never existed. How do I get over this?

DEIDRE SAYS: He sounds troubled and confused. Rather than taking responsibility for his affair, or getting to the root of his unhappiness, he is trying to blame you for everything.

He needs to talk to someone about how he’s feeling.

Perhaps you could suggest he speaks to his doctor, but make it clear you won’t accept his nasty comments.

None of this is your fault. My support pack on Abusive Partners should be helpful.

Focus on rebuilding your own life. Read my support pack Mend Your Broken Heart for tips on how to move on.