We couldn’t let my mother-in-law take care of our daughter. Her husband says we should be “ashamed.”

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Dear Care and Feeding,

We are currently getting our daughter registered for next year’s pre-K program, which has to be completed by the end of this month and is a binding commitment. It involves choosing between full- or half-day (morning or afternoon) options and selecting whether or not to participate in district-provided transportation. My mother-in-law wants very much to provide care for my daughter around pre-K and has let us know that she thinks the best option is for our daughter to attend either of the half-day programs, with her picking up/dropping off and watching her for the remainder of the day. My husband and I had been seriously considering this, because she’s great with our daughter and we know she would enjoy this arrangement; our daughter would too.

However, my mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with cancer. She is in the testing stage to determine details and treatment plans. Nevertheless, she continued to urge us to accept the half-day program and decline transportation.

Both our kids (we also have a younger son) are currently in full-time day care, although my mother-in-law had offered to watch them full-time when I went back to work. We felt that having both kids all day was significantly more than she could reasonably handle. But the idea of her taking on half-day care of our daughter alone seemed like a good one—a perfect way for us to give her more contact with one kid at a time. Since the cancer diagnosis, though, I don’t think making a plan that hinges on her being available and feeling well enough for multiple hours every day is wise, since we don’t have a reliable backup and my husband and I both work jobs with limited flexibility. I think we need to schedule our daughter for the full-day session and use the district’s transport, which would pick her up just before my husband needs to leave for work, and bring her home just after I get home from work. My husband agrees, but he had been hesitant to have this conversation with his mom, as he knew it would hurt her, and she is already so stressed by her diagnosis and all the unknown factors it entails.

We have now talked with her and my father-in-law and, as expected, she was very upset. She told us how much she had been looking forward to the extra time with our daughter (then our son the following year, assuming we would make the same arrangement once he was in pre-K) and emphasized that we don’t know how she’d feel or be doing next year—telling us she might well be fine by then. She also expressed worry about our daughter being at school for the full day (we don’t share these worries; we have no doubt she is ready for that). We agreed that the future is unknown, but reminded her that we need to make a binding decision by the end of this month, so we have to work with the information available now and in the next few weeks. We assured her that we would arrange for her to see the kids both together and separately regularly (as we already do) and would absolutely consider this arrangement for our son the following year, depending on the circumstances when the time for that decision comes. She ultimately agreed that it was the right choice, but was definitely distressed.

My FIL stayed quiet through the discussion, but later that night, he called us and berated us, saying that we had just let them know that we were sure my MIL was going to die. He said we should be ashamed of ourselves for taking away something that was giving her so much to look forward to and reminded us that patient attitude plays a factor in treatment outcomes, basically saying that if she doesn’t have a positive outcome from the cancer treatments, it will be our fault for suggesting she might not be well enough to carry out this childcare plan. My husband was great. While I sat in stunned silence, he calmly told his father that this diagnosis is scary for everyone, but he doesn’t get to take his stress over the situation out on us. He told him that we were making the best decision we could in a crummy situation. My FIL hung up on us.  My husband sat with me on the couch and cried, saying that he knew that was exactly how this would go.

We know we are making the best decision we can, but is there something more/different we can do with my in-laws to help them process it?

—Too Much Unknown

Dear Unknown,

I think you’re doing the best you can. I suspect your mother-in-law sees this—or will—and that your father-in-law behaved as he did because anxiety, fear, and dread can make people behave in awful ways. I understand where your husband was coming from when he responded as he did (and no doubt there is a long history between them that played out at this heightened emotional juncture too), but perhaps he could be a little gentler with his father. He might acknowledge that his father is so understandably distraught he said some hurtful things he’s sure he didn’t mean. He might even apologize for the “you don’t get to take it out on us”—which was not your husband’s best moment—but aside from that (if he can bring himself to do that; I hope he can), I don’t believe there is much that can be done right now.

His parents are in for a long, hard ride. They’re both going to need a lot of support. You’re doing the right thing for your family (I would have done the same); now it’s time to move on from that discussion. It’s done. Where your in-laws are concerned, concentrate on being loving and supportive and on making an (even greater than usual) effort to bring your children and their grandmother together. If the childcare arrangements come up again, all you need to say is, “As you know, that’s all settled now,” then change the subject.

—Michelle

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