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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband “Simon” and I have been married for five years. Three months ago, we welcomed our daughter, “Eva,” who is the joy of our lives. The issue I’m having is something my grandmother said about my daughter that I simply cannot forgive.
Simon is African American and has a lighter skin tone, and Eva is light to the point where she looks white. My husband had a sister who passed away from cancer when she was a teenager, and we named Eva in her memory. Eva’s real name is something that people would identify as sounding African American. When I sent my grandmother pictures of my daughter shortly after she was born, I, of course, included her name. When my grandmother and I spoke on the phone a day later, she asked, “Why in the world would you give her a name like THAT? She could have ‘passed.’” That was the last time I communicated with her.
In the intervening three months, my mother has been pressuring me to forgive my grandmother and give her another chance. She’s made excuses on her behalf, ranging from saying, “She’s from a different generation” to claiming she didn’t realize she was being offensive. My response has been that she has been around long enough to understand what racism is and the harm it causes—and at least now I know what she thinks of my daughter and husband. If she truly was sorry, I pointed out, she would have apologized, and it’s been crickets from her.
Simon has said that while my grandmother’s comments were hurtful, this could be a “teachable moment” for her and that he is open to allowing her back into our lives if I’m OK with it. Eva may be an infant now and not able to understand the situation yet, but I can’t get what my grandmother said about her out of my head. I understand that I won’t be able to shield her from racism forever, but I don’t want to open my family to a situation where she can cause my husband, my daughter, and any kids we may have in the future further pain. As far as I’m concerned, I’m done with her. Is this the best decision?
—Her Name Is Just Fine
Dear Name,
I can’t tell you whether you made the best decision. I don’t know your grandmother, so I’m missing what might be important context about her character and past comments. Moreover, your line in the sand may be different than another person’s, and that is to be expected; aside from the most extreme circumstances, there is no objectively correct cut off point for bigotry. Only you get to determine what is “racist enough” in your book to eliminate contact.
That said, I think your mother and Simon made points you should consider. What your grandmother said was offensive, and it should give you serious pause about what other comments might await your family in the future. But did it come from malice or genuine ignorance? For example, did she make the comment because she sees dark skin as something negative, or because she thinks society does? Did she think she was standing up for Eva, in a very misguided way? Perhaps you already know the answer—or a conversation with Grandma could provide some insight.
As you alluded to in your letter, I don’t think age is an automatic get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to bigotry. But I also think it is really hard for folks to rewrite their generational values and knowledge. You might open the lines of communication a crack and see what happens from there—especially since Simon is open to it. (If he wasn’t, that would be a different story.) Explain that you were really hurt by what she said and why, and allow her to respond. You can then decide whether to ease back into a relationship or go back to a no-contact state. If the answer is still to cut Grandma out of your life, you’ll know you made an effort.
All of that said, if reading my reply fills you with anger or resistance, then I think that tells you what you need to know. Advice can help you decide what to do, but when it strikes you as vehemently wrong, that is often just as illustrative. You’re the person who has a history with with your grandmother; if building a bridge strikes you as the wrong thing to do, it’s OK to trust your gut.
—Allison
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